#79 - Jon Lajoie
The Joe Rogan ExperienceEpisode mentions
People mentions
Reviews
No reviews yet, be the first!
Transcript
Can't let other motherfuckers define you, ladies and gentlemen. That's my message. Alright, you want to fuck that tube? Fuck that tube, son.
Fuck it. All right.
My.
My cleaning lady, just like, she comes in and like I have shit, you.
Know, that I don'tissues. And shit.
Well, not even just like, just like stuff, you know, some fun toys that I use with, you know, some.
Oh, lady Dildos and shit. Yeah. God damn.
My man goes deep like my cleaning lady.
I love it.
She's like, she'll cleaned my plate and she'd be like, oh, she'll find them and just put them on top of a dresser to let you know where to put these.
John? Yeah? What the fuck is that like for her picking up your dirty, slimy, frosted. It looks like a doughnut. Like frosted donut dildo.
I'm clean. Just lying under the bed.
Recently, have you noticed different girlfriends don't like using old dildos?
I always had dildos.
Well, I started to try to put.
Them in that zone.
Packaging and stuff like that.
No, dude.
Motherfucker.
That's ridiculous. How much is a dildo? They're only like $10.
I'd buy good ones like whatever the dolphins and the dolphin was like $90.
Really?
That's like the Playstation of fucking dildo.
That girl's like, this has been inside some other girl's pussy with you push shoving it in there. She doesn't want.
Yeah, but she has these fingers, they're washed.
That's a good point.
These are hard.
It is a good point, but it doesn't matter because it's still your body. And somehow another, it makes it okay. Instead of some rubber rabbit that you stick to chick snatch rabbit and asshole at the same time. Is that what it was?
Yeah, it was a rabbit.
And it's worse also that you bought it specifically to fuck some other girl with it. It wasn't like, oh, I found this lying around and I just fucked this other girl. It was like, you bought it with this other sugar sign and fucked her with it. And then you're like, oh, I'm not with her anymore, and now I'm with this other girl.
Yeah, you got to be careful getting into that fucking robotics world. You fucking setting a pace you can't really match up with. Once you fuck a chick with one of those rabbit things and it's beating the fuck out of the sides of her pussy. It's just Anderson Silver knee in the sides of her pussy, just slamming it. Little rabbit ears are jamming her in her butthole. What the fuck are you going to do? What are you going to do with your average dick?
Human dick?
Yeah, what are you going to do with that fleshy little soft thing that you got to worry about? If she gets on top, she might break it. You ever have that happen, man, where it almost breaks? No, where you get a fallout, and then it hits the taint when it pulls out. Dude, guys have gone to the hospital for this shit. Are you serious? Yes. You can tear, your dick breaks and not only does it break, but a lot of times it stays crooked forever.
I think I broke my dick before that.
I bet you did, man. I think I broke mine a little.
I didn't think it was possible, so.
I always just went, oh, yeah, it.
Feels like it's going to break, but.
Over time, really like an old ship.
Fuck. It hit too many rocks.
Mine looks like a broken nose, man.
A lot of spilt beer, rotten the deck.
A lot of waves hitting the left side.
Yeah, there's this dude on my message board. I'm sorry, man, I forget your name, but he has a fucking giant hog and his picture is, like, totally bent. His dick's, like, completely bent to the right. So much so that a subverter, that's who you are and that's his name on the message board. His dick is so ridiculous. It looks like it's photoshopped. I mean, there's no way it could be that fat because he's a little dude. Giant dick. And no way it could be taken such a hard angle. And he sends it to chicks and shit. Created some drama online because he sent it to some girl.
He sent you a picture of his dick.
He puts them online, man. Guy puts them online for everybody to see.
I would love to have my dick, like, pointed up, like, bent up so it just, like, hit the top of the girls.
How many cock pictures have you seen online of dudes that, you know, I mean, on the message board, everybody. Well, because we hang out with comics. Is it like that? John is from Montreal, Canada. Is it like that up there? Do dudes whip their dicks out all the time or is it too cold?
I think it's a little cold. I had a buddy who had the Prince Albert thing.
Oh, piercing.
Yeah, he just loved whipping out his dick and showing what the fuck is.
Up with that guy. Oh, dude, seriously, I had some fucking crazy shit. I've never looked at my dick and thought about throwing some metal through it.
Like a hole through the tip. What are you fucking, like, whoa.
Cut open like a sausage, have you seen that?
Where they. Oh, I've seen. No, no, that's another one.
There's like a ring, like, right through the tip of the.
Yeah, that's the Prince Albert. But the other one that you're talking about is more of a body modification thing. They cut into the penis, and they slice it open like a hot dog.
Yeah, like a hot.
Really hot dog in the spread.
Yeah. Must just spray all over the fucking place. They have no control over the piss. It looks horrendous, too. It looks terrifying, but it's just like, become some barb. No, it's like, here.
Cool.
Yeah, some weirdo just wants to change the way he looks.
Dude, how about listening to some fucking, I don't know, indie rock album records?
Dude, you don't have to butcher your dick.
Oh, God.
That's a weird thing, man. It's a weird thing. It's like, where do you draw that line when you see a chick with a lip ring? Like, ooh, you got a ring on your lip. Your upper lip. There's a ring on it. A metal ring. Okay. How far are you willing to go? Because you're already in crazy town. You've already got staples in your face, you fucking freak. Yeah, what are you doing?
You ever had a girl with the clit ring? Yeah. That's kind of cool, though.
It's kind of cool, but it also kind of seems like she's a mess.
Unfortunately, if you're decorating down there, it's because you have open houses all the time, and you're, like, going down here, I'm like, wait a minute, dude.
You got to write that down if that's an ad lib. Shit, please. That's a bit. Don't forget that one. We'll hold here. Okay. That's a goddamn genius bit. That's hilarious. There's a thing about girls with clit rings. You got to know that if a girl's decorating down there, she's having open houses all the time. Dude, that shit is brilliant, man.
Okay, hold on. See, I can't sit down and write comedy, and then all of a sudden, I fucking.
Yeah, I do the same thing, man. I have ideas, and I have to slam them onto a piece of paper or I have to get it down as quick as possible, too, because five minutes later, I'm like a fucking idiot savant. I won't know what I said.
That's why these podcasts are actually pretty good, because you can actually write comedy while you're talking. There's so many times I do Spiderman. Me talking about Spiderman where it's me throwing come on walls of hotels and I do it on stage now and it fucking kills.
That's great.
Did you do that for real?
Yeah.
He's a mess. Motherfucker. Walls that you and I have to go and touch. You know, you're in your underwear and you put your socks on, you might lean against the wall, you'd easily be touching this creep's loads.
Even worse, I play chicken. I throw it on the ceiling and keep my mouth open and.
Play chicken. You have to play with someone else.
Gay for yourself.
It's if I dart out of the.
Way, but I don't. And that's why I get id for cigarettes. Look at my skin.
That is an excuse for you to be gay for yourself. I'm not playing a part of this.
I play come chicken with myself. Like how fucking gay? But that's not even gay. That's like.
No, it's just recycling.
It's just bizarre. Jim Norton has this great bit about this chick that used to make him do things. I guess it's his girlfriend, she tells him what to do and she used to be a dominatrix or something nutty like that. And Jim comes on her tits and she makes him lick it up. And it's a true story and he's talking about it. It's fucking hilarious. But it's also your fucking toes curl up. Your butthole crunches up.
Oh, my.
You close your nostrils when you hear it. Your whole body constricts. You're like, don't eat your own. There's something about it, man.
We're talking on one of the podcasts this week. Some guy was. Who was it? Was it ift?
Eddie Ift?
Yeah, Eddie Ift. Funny guy. He was talking about some guy sucking some guy or letting some guy suck his dick so that he can fuck this hot chick.
Oh, his friend.
Yeah, that was Eddie Ift. Yes, his friend did that. Yeah.
And you're like, my manager tells me the story of him and his buddy. They hooked up with these two chicks, and they're at the hotel room with these two chicks, and the two chicks start making out and everything, and they go, if you guys make out, we will just do everything, but you guys have to make out. And my manager is like, okay, fuck it, I'm out of here. And the guy's chasing him around the room going, stop being such a fucking pussy and make out with my God. Come on, dude, just make out with me, dude. And you're like, really?
What the fuck, man? How bad? You need to get laid, you creep. You need a scar in your brain for life. Because the moment you nut. The moment. What the fuck have I done? You would immediately recognize the depths of your depravity.
And I think I'd let someone, some guy suck my dick before I make out with the guy. That's way more intimate.
I don't know, man. Listen, at least you can control yourself. I mean, you can defend yourself. Some dude has his mouth over your dick, he could just clamp down on that thing at any moment and that's the end of your dick. Yeah, that's true. Fuck all that.
People on Saturday night live do it then.
Because so many people suck dicks on Saturday live. The fuck are you talking about?
I mean, like, everybody does.
Everybody sucking dick on Saturday Night Live.
They make out with each other and shit, right? I guess when there's a live studio audience, it's different than being like, hey.
There'S a lot of guys that think it's funny to just be nutty like that. That was a big thing the Hells Angels used to do in the 60s. Hunter S. Thompson wrote about it. About how in the Hells Angels book that he wrote, he wrote about how they would try to freak out squares. Like
To see the rest of the transcript, you must sign in