#79 - Jon Lajoie

#79 - Jon Lajoie

The Joe Rogan Experience

Joe sits down with Jon Lajoie. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Transcript

SpeakerA
0m 0s
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0m 6s

Can't let other motherfuckers define you, ladies and gentlemen. That's my message. Alright, you want to fuck that tube? Fuck that tube, son.

SpeakerB
0m 6s
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0m 7s

Fuck it. All right.

SpeakerA
0m 7s
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0m 7s

My.

SpeakerB
0m 7s
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0m 11s

My cleaning lady, just like, she comes in and like I have shit, you.

SpeakerA
0m 11s
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0m 13s

Know, that I don'tissues. And shit.

SpeakerB
0m 13s
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0m 17s

Well, not even just like, just like stuff, you know, some fun toys that I use with, you know, some.

SpeakerA
0m 18s
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0m 20s

Oh, lady Dildos and shit. Yeah. God damn.

SpeakerB
0m 20s
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0m 23s

My man goes deep like my cleaning lady.

SpeakerA
0m 23s
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0m 24s

I love it.

SpeakerB
0m 24s
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0m 32s

She's like, she'll cleaned my plate and she'd be like, oh, she'll find them and just put them on top of a dresser to let you know where to put these.

SpeakerA
0m 32s
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0m 41s

John? Yeah? What the fuck is that like for her picking up your dirty, slimy, frosted. It looks like a doughnut. Like frosted donut dildo.

SpeakerB
0m 41s
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0m 44s

I'm clean. Just lying under the bed.

SpeakerC
0m 44s
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0m 50s

Recently, have you noticed different girlfriends don't like using old dildos?

SpeakerB
0m 51s
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0m 53s

I always had dildos.

SpeakerC
0m 53s
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0m 55s

Well, I started to try to put.

SpeakerB
0m 55s
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0m 55s

Them in that zone.

SpeakerC
0m 55s
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0m 57s

Packaging and stuff like that.

SpeakerA
0m 57s
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0m 58s

No, dude.

SpeakerB
1m 1s
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1m 1s

Motherfucker.

SpeakerA
1m 2s
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1m 5s

That's ridiculous. How much is a dildo? They're only like $10.

SpeakerC
1m 5s
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1m 10s

I'd buy good ones like whatever the dolphins and the dolphin was like $90.

SpeakerA
1m 11s
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1m 11s

Really?

SpeakerC
1m 11s
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1m 13s

That's like the Playstation of fucking dildo.

SpeakerB
1m 13s
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1m 22s

That girl's like, this has been inside some other girl's pussy with you push shoving it in there. She doesn't want.

SpeakerC
1m 22s
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1m 24s

Yeah, but she has these fingers, they're washed.

SpeakerA
1m 24s
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1m 26s

That's a good point.

SpeakerC
1m 26s
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1m 27s

These are hard.

SpeakerA
1m 27s
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1m 38s

It is a good point, but it doesn't matter because it's still your body. And somehow another, it makes it okay. Instead of some rubber rabbit that you stick to chick snatch rabbit and asshole at the same time. Is that what it was?

SpeakerC
1m 38s
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1m 38s

Yeah, it was a rabbit.

SpeakerB
1m 38s
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1m 53s

And it's worse also that you bought it specifically to fuck some other girl with it. It wasn't like, oh, I found this lying around and I just fucked this other girl. It was like, you bought it with this other sugar sign and fucked her with it. And then you're like, oh, I'm not with her anymore, and now I'm with this other girl.

SpeakerA
1m 53s
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2m 17s

Yeah, you got to be careful getting into that fucking robotics world. You fucking setting a pace you can't really match up with. Once you fuck a chick with one of those rabbit things and it's beating the fuck out of the sides of her pussy. It's just Anderson Silver knee in the sides of her pussy, just slamming it. Little rabbit ears are jamming her in her butthole. What the fuck are you going to do? What are you going to do with your average dick?

SpeakerB
2m 18s
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2m 18s

Human dick?

SpeakerA
2m 18s
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2m 41s

Yeah, what are you going to do with that fleshy little soft thing that you got to worry about? If she gets on top, she might break it. You ever have that happen, man, where it almost breaks? No, where you get a fallout, and then it hits the taint when it pulls out. Dude, guys have gone to the hospital for this shit. Are you serious? Yes. You can tear, your dick breaks and not only does it break, but a lot of times it stays crooked forever.

SpeakerC
2m 41s
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2m 43s

I think I broke my dick before that.

SpeakerA
2m 43s
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2m 45s

I bet you did, man. I think I broke mine a little.

SpeakerC
2m 45s
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2m 46s

I didn't think it was possible, so.

SpeakerA
2m 46s
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2m 48s

I always just went, oh, yeah, it.

SpeakerC
2m 48s
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2m 49s

Feels like it's going to break, but.

SpeakerB
2m 51s
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2m 54s

Over time, really like an old ship.

SpeakerA
2m 55s
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2m 56s

Fuck. It hit too many rocks.

SpeakerB
2m 56s
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2m 60s

Mine looks like a broken nose, man.

SpeakerA
2m 60s
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3m 2s

A lot of spilt beer, rotten the deck.

SpeakerB
3m 2s
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3m 4s

A lot of waves hitting the left side.

SpeakerA
3m 8s
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3m 39s

Yeah, there's this dude on my message board. I'm sorry, man, I forget your name, but he has a fucking giant hog and his picture is, like, totally bent. His dick's, like, completely bent to the right. So much so that a subverter, that's who you are and that's his name on the message board. His dick is so ridiculous. It looks like it's photoshopped. I mean, there's no way it could be that fat because he's a little dude. Giant dick. And no way it could be taken such a hard angle. And he sends it to chicks and shit. Created some drama online because he sent it to some girl.

SpeakerB
3m 39s
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3m 40s

He sent you a picture of his dick.

SpeakerA
3m 40s
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3m 43s

He puts them online, man. Guy puts them online for everybody to see.

SpeakerC
3m 43s
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3m 47s

I would love to have my dick, like, pointed up, like, bent up so it just, like, hit the top of the girls.

SpeakerA
3m 48s
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4m 7s

How many cock pictures have you seen online of dudes that, you know, I mean, on the message board, everybody. Well, because we hang out with comics. Is it like that? John is from Montreal, Canada. Is it like that up there? Do dudes whip their dicks out all the time or is it too cold?

SpeakerB
4m 8s
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4m 12s

I think it's a little cold. I had a buddy who had the Prince Albert thing.

SpeakerA
4m 12s
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4m 13s

Oh, piercing.

SpeakerB
4m 13s
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4m 17s

Yeah, he just loved whipping out his dick and showing what the fuck is.

SpeakerA
4m 17s
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4m 24s

Up with that guy. Oh, dude, seriously, I had some fucking crazy shit. I've never looked at my dick and thought about throwing some metal through it.

SpeakerB
4m 25s
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4m 29s

Like a hole through the tip. What are you fucking, like, whoa.

SpeakerC
4m 29s
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4m 31s

Cut open like a sausage, have you seen that?

SpeakerA
4m 31s
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4m 37s

Where they. Oh, I've seen. No, no, that's another one.

SpeakerB
4m 37s
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4m 40s

There's like a ring, like, right through the tip of the.

SpeakerA
4m 40s
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4m 47s

Yeah, that's the Prince Albert. But the other one that you're talking about is more of a body modification thing. They cut into the penis, and they slice it open like a hot dog.

SpeakerC
4m 47s
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4m 48s

Yeah, like a hot.

SpeakerB
4m 51s
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4m 56s

Really hot dog in the spread.

SpeakerA
4m 56s
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5m 7s

Yeah. Must just spray all over the fucking place. They have no control over the piss. It looks horrendous, too. It looks terrifying, but it's just like, become some barb. No, it's like, here.

SpeakerB
5m 7s
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5m 8s

Cool.

SpeakerA
5m 8s
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5m 10s

Yeah, some weirdo just wants to change the way he looks.

SpeakerB
5m 10s
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5m 16s

Dude, how about listening to some fucking, I don't know, indie rock album records?

SpeakerA
5m 16s
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5m 19s

Dude, you don't have to butcher your dick.

SpeakerB
5m 19s
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5m 20s

Oh, God.

SpeakerA
5m 20s
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5m 38s

That's a weird thing, man. It's a weird thing. It's like, where do you draw that line when you see a chick with a lip ring? Like, ooh, you got a ring on your lip. Your upper lip. There's a ring on it. A metal ring. Okay. How far are you willing to go? Because you're already in crazy town. You've already got staples in your face, you fucking freak. Yeah, what are you doing?

SpeakerB
5m 38s
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5m 42s

You ever had a girl with the clit ring? Yeah. That's kind of cool, though.

SpeakerA
5m 42s
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5m 46s

It's kind of cool, but it also kind of seems like she's a mess.

SpeakerB
5m 47s
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5m 58s

Unfortunately, if you're decorating down there, it's because you have open houses all the time, and you're, like, going down here, I'm like, wait a minute, dude.

SpeakerA
5m 58s
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6m 17s

You got to write that down if that's an ad lib. Shit, please. That's a bit. Don't forget that one. We'll hold here. Okay. That's a goddamn genius bit. That's hilarious. There's a thing about girls with clit rings. You got to know that if a girl's decorating down there, she's having open houses all the time. Dude, that shit is brilliant, man.

SpeakerB
6m 18s
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6m 22s

Okay, hold on. See, I can't sit down and write comedy, and then all of a sudden, I fucking.

SpeakerA
6m 22s
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6m 32s

Yeah, I do the same thing, man. I have ideas, and I have to slam them onto a piece of paper or I have to get it down as quick as possible, too, because five minutes later, I'm like a fucking idiot savant. I won't know what I said.

SpeakerC
6m 32s
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6m 46s

That's why these podcasts are actually pretty good, because you can actually write comedy while you're talking. There's so many times I do Spiderman. Me talking about Spiderman where it's me throwing come on walls of hotels and I do it on stage now and it fucking kills.

SpeakerA
6m 46s
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6m 46s

That's great.

SpeakerB
6m 46s
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6m 47s

Did you do that for real?

SpeakerC
6m 47s
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6m 48s

Yeah.

SpeakerA
6m 48s
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6m 58s

He's a mess. Motherfucker. Walls that you and I have to go and touch. You know, you're in your underwear and you put your socks on, you might lean against the wall, you'd easily be touching this creep's loads.

SpeakerC
6m 58s
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7m 1s

Even worse, I play chicken. I throw it on the ceiling and keep my mouth open and.

SpeakerB
7m 4s
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7m 6s

Play chicken. You have to play with someone else.

SpeakerA
7m 8s
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7m 9s

Gay for yourself.

SpeakerB
7m 10s
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7m 11s

It's if I dart out of the.

SpeakerC
7m 11s
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7m 14s

Way, but I don't. And that's why I get id for cigarettes. Look at my skin.

SpeakerA
7m 14s
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7m 18s

That is an excuse for you to be gay for yourself. I'm not playing a part of this.

SpeakerB
7m 18s
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7m 25s

I play come chicken with myself. Like how fucking gay? But that's not even gay. That's like.

SpeakerC
7m 25s
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7m 27s

No, it's just recycling.

SpeakerA
7m 27s
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7m 54s

It's just bizarre. Jim Norton has this great bit about this chick that used to make him do things. I guess it's his girlfriend, she tells him what to do and she used to be a dominatrix or something nutty like that. And Jim comes on her tits and she makes him lick it up. And it's a true story and he's talking about it. It's fucking hilarious. But it's also your fucking toes curl up. Your butthole crunches up.

SpeakerB
7m 54s
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7m 54s

Oh, my.

SpeakerA
7m 55s
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8m 6s

You close your nostrils when you hear it. Your whole body constricts. You're like, don't eat your own. There's something about it, man.

SpeakerB
8m 6s
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8m 11s

We're talking on one of the podcasts this week. Some guy was. Who was it? Was it ift?

SpeakerA
8m 11s
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8m 12s

Eddie Ift?

SpeakerB
8m 12s
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8m 20s

Yeah, Eddie Ift. Funny guy. He was talking about some guy sucking some guy or letting some guy suck his dick so that he can fuck this hot chick.

SpeakerC
8m 20s
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8m 21s

Oh, his friend.

SpeakerA
8m 21s
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8m 24s

Yeah, that was Eddie Ift. Yes, his friend did that. Yeah.

SpeakerB
8m 24s
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8m 57s

And you're like, my manager tells me the story of him and his buddy. They hooked up with these two chicks, and they're at the hotel room with these two chicks, and the two chicks start making out and everything, and they go, if you guys make out, we will just do everything, but you guys have to make out. And my manager is like, okay, fuck it, I'm out of here. And the guy's chasing him around the room going, stop being such a fucking pussy and make out with my God. Come on, dude, just make out with me, dude. And you're like, really?

SpeakerA
8m 57s
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9m 12s

What the fuck, man? How bad? You need to get laid, you creep. You need a scar in your brain for life. Because the moment you nut. The moment. What the fuck have I done? You would immediately recognize the depths of your depravity.

SpeakerB
9m 12s
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9m 17s

And I think I'd let someone, some guy suck my dick before I make out with the guy. That's way more intimate.

SpeakerA
9m 17s
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9m 30s

I don't know, man. Listen, at least you can control yourself. I mean, you can defend yourself. Some dude has his mouth over your dick, he could just clamp down on that thing at any moment and that's the end of your dick. Yeah, that's true. Fuck all that.

SpeakerC
9m 30s
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9m 32s

People on Saturday night live do it then.

SpeakerA
9m 32s
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9m 36s

Because so many people suck dicks on Saturday live. The fuck are you talking about?

SpeakerB
9m 36s
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9m 37s

I mean, like, everybody does.

SpeakerA
9m 37s
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9m 39s

Everybody sucking dick on Saturday Night Live.

SpeakerB
9m 39s
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9m 45s

They make out with each other and shit, right? I guess when there's a live studio audience, it's different than being like, hey.

SpeakerA
9m 45s
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10m 0s

There'S a lot of guys that think it's funny to just be nutty like that. That was a big thing the Hells Angels used to do in the 60s. Hunter S. Thompson wrote about it. About how in the Hells Angels book that he wrote, he wrote about how they would try to freak out squares. Like

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