#376 - Bryan Callen

The Joe Rogan experience.

Train by day.

Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus. Jesus Louisus. Brian motherfucking Callan, also known as by.

The way or the Kid. I refer to myself as the kid whenever I'm on set now. I make the cameraman. Everybody refer to me as the kid. Like, they're like, if the kid. Can you just move to the left?

I'm like, what sets have you been on? What have you been doing?

I just did a stent on a movie called flock of dudes. And that's it. I've just been doing. I like to take long, long breaks between my acting, but I just did a movie. I did a movie a little bit with Elizabeth Banks, who's 40 and couldn't look better.

Who's Elizabeth?

Elizabeth Banks is. She's been in a ton of movies.

She's not the chick from showgirls? No, that's Elizabeth Perkins or something.

Who knows?

Don't you say who knows about showgirls?

I actually know her because I used to date her friend when I first got to showgirls. Girl? Yeah.

Elizabeth Hurley. Yeah. No, it's not Elizabeth Hurley. Don't ever chime in if you're wrong. Berkeley. Fox. Berkeley.

Berkeley. There it is. Elizabeth Berkeley, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes. What a pretty face. And okay ass. Nothing special. Don't believe she's a dancer.

Before we start, can I just hawk a date?

Yeah, before we start.

Go ahead. This weekend at the Schomburg improv. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Brian Callan. Enjoy your fruit compo.

People are thinking about going. They're like, too much.

He's just too much.

He's too full of energy. I don't want to deal with that. I want to be in that presence.

I know. Exactly.

Are you ready for hunting again? Back.

Here's what I'm worried about. You had to choose November 21 in Wisconsin. You think the Missouri breaks was cold in October? We're going to freeze.

Yeah, it's going to be cold. Why are you such a pussy?

Because I am a pussy. I got a long neck and I can't conserve heat. That's why wear clothes. I don't have a short neck and wide center of gravity. You retain heat. We were freezing on that boat, and you come by me and you were like. You had icicles on your beard and you were smiling at me. What are you smiling at?

I grew up in Boston, and I know how to deal with the heat. I know how to deal with the cold. Rather you just deal with it. Yeah, you just deal with it. You just accept it.

Are we sleeping in tents?

No, not this time.

What are we doing?

We're going to sleep in a cabin.

Really?

Yeah, it's going to be like a real place. Can you have a bed? The whole deal. Everything's going to be beautiful.

I can't wait.

We're going to have a good time.

That's no problem then.

We're going to have a good time.

Don't be a pussy. No, I'm not going to be fine. I get to bag.

Those people live there. Those people live there all year round.

My dad's from Wisconsin.

They're fine.

Yeah, I've been up to the Northwoods.

I bet you have.

Yeah, I really have.

You been to Chicago in January?

I sure have.

I've done a few gigs in Chicago in. Oh, they don't play.

They don't play around. They don't play around up there.

I just got back from Alaska.

You did?

Yeah. I went salmon fishing up there. I didn't tell you about that?

No.

Ari Shafir and I went up there.

Well, you know Ari, that outdoorsman.

You know that Ari Shafir can hang.

I love him.

He can hang.

I bet he can. He finds his way through, right?

He's a smart motherfucker.

Yeah.

He knows how to do anything he wants to do. That's what it is. He gets good at anything he wants to get good at. He's the real deal.

Well, did you catch any salmon? Yes, I went to Alaska and went and fishing.

Did you really?

Yes.

I'm glad you're turning this around on your.

Well, I caught nothing, so I'm asking you if you. I literally caught nothing. Oh, and by the way, we spent $600 to take a go deep sea fishing, me and my father. Guess who got sick? Both of us, we were like, hey, can we turn this boat around?

Yeah, you want to hear about your. You got to go with a guide, and then you get salmon that big.

Oh, what is that?

That's a dinosaur.

What is that?

The 40 pound salmon.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, we caught a ton of them. We caught seven of them one day, and then another day we caught four, and I caught a wild rainbow trout, too.

Now, did you catch them as they were coming to die?

Yes. I mean, essentially, they don't live. They come back up. They spawn, and that's a rap, son, did you see anything going on?

Did you see any bear?

We did not. We saw eagles. Saw a lot of eagles. But we are on the lookout for bear saw five moose inside of two days. Moose are everywhere up there. Yeah, they're amazing.

They're also, they say, way more dangerous than a lot of animals.

Oh, yeah. We saw, by the way, two of, by the way, by the way, we saw two of the moose had babies with them twice. So out of the four, we saw two mamas and two babies in two completely different areas.

Wow.

So those are the most dangerous when you see a mother with her baby. And we saw a mother with her baby on a tiny island. Our friend Matt, who's the guide that we went out there with, he took us to his dad as an island with like, a bunch of cabins on it. We took a boat out to this island, and there's a moose and her baby on the island, and we're like, oh, shit. This is a small ass island. It's like a block. And the moose is like, what you doing here, bitch? And we're like, oh, shit.

Yeah, I guess it swam there.

It's a horse. Yeah, a horse that swam. Yeah.

You never think of a horse swimming.

They can swim.

Sure.

They swim, like, in the middle of the water, like, it's deep as fuck, and they swim right through it.

And by the way, that water, if I remember correctly, even in the summer in the North Atlantic, you got about ten minutes. You fall in that water, you got about ten minutes.

That's not the Atlantic.

Die, fella.

That's the Pacific.

That's what I meant. I meant the Pacific. Don't ever embarrass me on a podcast like that again, doing it just to help you. No, I know. I meant the area of the pacific that's closer to the Atlantic.

That part, when it flips around real.

Quick, when it flips around you and your technical ideas about what a sea is. Yeah, but you got about, I think, ten minutes to live.

That place is so gangster. Yeah, it's such a beautiful place, too. Have you been to Alaska yet? You got to do stand up there.

Really?

Fuck, yes. It's one of the greatest places in the world.

Where?

Anchorage.

I'll go.

You got to go? Got to go. It's amazing. First of all, these people are cool as shit, all right? They're like the coolest people, like, from Portland or Boulder, like those kind of people, except they're living in the Pacific. I mean, as far up there as you can, you know, hop skipping and.

Jump away from Russia.

Yeah, I mean, they're way the fuck up there. Past Canada, it's cold as fuck. It was 03:00 in the morning when we leave the bar and it's bright out. Wow. Yeah. It's weird. When we were out there, it was actually. The temperature was nice. It was in the. Mosquitoes are unfucking relenting.

Oh, yeah.

Unrelenting. You've never seen anything like it. It's like they know they only have a certain amount of time. So, like, you get out of your car and there's a hundred of them on you in your face within seconds. It's incredible. They swarm you. One person with malaria in Alaska could kill the entire state.

Yeah.

They would just spread like wildfire through these fucking cunty mosquitoes. They're unbelievable. Like, you've never seen anything like it. You get out of your car and it's a cloud of them.

Just. I don't think off works with those.

Yeah, it works.

It does.

Yeah. DDT, we used, whatever shit. We bought it at Rei. It works. It works great.

You need it.

Probably gives you cancer, right? Who knows?

The might be worth it, though, when you got a cloud of mosquitoes.

Yeah. Believe me, I was in Utah last week and I didn't use it in time. Now I got bites all over my arms. Those cold areas, man.

Well, I was in Indonesia and I had to carry a sulfur.

Way.

Yeah. By the way, when you're in Indonesia, please don't think that you're going to use. Please don't think that off is going to work because those tropical bugs scoff at it. They laugh at it. So you had to carry a sulfur coil and burn it. And that's what kept the mosquitoes away from you.

Is that real? Yes. How does off not work?

Because they don't care. They're tropical mosquitoes and tropical bugs. So we would carry a sulfur coil and you burn a sulfur, you hold it in your hand and you burn it as you walk. How about that? And that's what keeps them awake.

Does it work?

Yeah, coil does, because you track in it in the middle of the. When it was still dark. And then you set up a hammock because you don't want to sleep on the floor because bugs will get you. So you could set up a hammock. You lie in the hammock, you wait for the orangutan above you to wake up now and then when the whole forest wakes up, it's louder than Grand Central Station. You never heard anything like it in my life. In your life. The forest in the tropical rainforest. Louder than. Put me on the corner. 42nd and Fifth Avenue. It's louder and I'm not exaggerating at all.

Is it mostly bugs or is it.

Bugs, birds, monkeys altogether, just squawking. Different crickets, different grass, whatever it is. And the whole forest wakes up. You're like, this is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. I mean, monks, like, you're just like, are you kidding me? And it's mostly the bugs. It's mostly the different bugs that are doing weird things, like rubbing their legs together or frogs that are. And I just couldn't believe it. And you better carry a sulfur coil.

Because you freaked me out when you told me about your first experiences there, back when you were thinking about being, like, a bug scientist, because you told me about the posts that they had on where you slept and you had to cover them with turpentine.

That's right.

Because of the ants.

Because the ants, when they're foraging, what they'll do is they'll just crawl over you, no problem. If they're hunting, you better have turpentine on those posts because they'll find you. They'll come up those posts. You're in your tent or you're in your bed, and they'll come and kill you. They'll come and eat you. And you can hear them. You can hear them. There's so many of them that you can hear a weird sort of hear them walking. Yeah. Apparently you can hear them when they're on the march, when there are millions of them and they're hunting. You can hear the movement of the ground, or whatever it is, as they forage through. It actually makes a sound.

There's millions of them. People don't understand