#25 - Joey Diaz

Started.

Fleshlight.Com.

We are sponsored by the Fleshlight, and this is the butthole version of the Fleshlight. It sponsors the podcast. If you go to Joerogan. Net and click the link, you get, like, a discount.

Joey Diaz, have you ever seen one of those in?

No. Let's rip it out. Explain it to me. Let's talk about it here.

This is the one that I haven't fucked, so you could touch it.

Put your finger in there and tell.

Me that's the butthole version.

Is there a vaginal version?

Yes. They retarded. How perverted are they? Could you imagine if the vaginal one went out of style because nobody wanted to fuck it? Everyone just wanted the asshole.

Well, it is tighter. So you think everyone would want to fuck it because everyone likes tight pussy.

Look at this.

It's fucking square. It looks like your dick's got to be, like, a fucking square. I love it. I love it. This is tremendous.

You got to fuck one of these things, I'm telling you. Are you fucking out crazy? It's way better than beating off. You beat off, right?

So you grab it like this and just go like this.

Like a milkshake.

Show them fish in the bucket. Show them fish in the bucket. Take the fish out of the bucket.

That's your move, dude. I don't want to rip you.

Check this out. How awesome is this? Fish in the bucket. Look at that thing. That's how you wash. It pulls out, it wiggles also.

You come in that thing, too?

Yeah. You swear to. And there's a cap on the bottom. When you undo the cap, your load comes.

I love hanging out with these guys because technology, they always keep me up to shit. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, we're up to the latest. This is the latest in masturbation technology.

What kind of people are people hanging out with? I disappeared for a couple of weeks. Show up with a box with an asshole in it.

What the fuck? I. Solid product. This is a solid product. And this product comes under a lot of unnecessary heat, in my opinion. Let me ask you people.

What if you want to go the other way does this come in different colors? What if you want to fucking hindu in the ass? You know what I'm saying?

You get a brown one, you get a hindu one.

We got to find out. They got a hindu one. A slum dog millionaire one smells like a fucking lottery ticket.

I bet there's a bunch of different colors. There has to be. Can't just be white. Yeah. That's ridiculous.

Fucking prejudice. This is 2010. You got to mix it up a little bit. What kind of shit is this?

Yeah, I guess I would do a black one.

You might as well. I want an asian one. I want the little muffler to smell like twice cooked pork.

I bet there's a reason why the black ones show the crust. Or how dirty it is. More probably it gets white. Why do we got to say black?

Someone's a little too high. What are you talking about? Yeah, okay. We're on the front page and I just see nothing but white pussy.

Yeah, we got to change.

Let's go with the private collection. They have a champagne collection.

They have a lupe version. You know who Lupe is?

This is all white pussy.

The Puerto rican singer from the 70s?

No, lupe is this new porn star. They have a lupe version of the fleshlight. And I was just at hard rock x fans convention and she was there. Man, that chick is amazing. She's like 4ft tall, but yet the proportions perfect of a regular female. Like, everything fits perfect. She just looks like a little girl, not like a midget.

I wonder if you can get a blue one so you can pretend you're fucking that avatar chick.

They have vampires. They have vampire ones.

They should totally make it.

They have twilight ones. Do you see the twilight one?

Flashlights. Twilight.

They have fangs.

Get the fuck.

They swear to God they have fangs. And the tube that goes down that rubs against your dick has like fangs on the tube or something like that. So it's like fucking a vampire pussy. Because I know you like vampires better than werewolves.

Have you lost your fucking mind?

You're so baked right.

That's 100% true.

They have.

All of that is you do.

You said you liked them last week better.

My goodness, bro.

And I've been thinking about this whole time because.

Not said that he likes vampires making shit up.

Brian's just.

You didn't say that. You didn't say you would choose.

Brian just rocketed back to the 8th grade.

Holy.

You're a silly 8th grader right now. Outside when you're not supposed to be there. You got out of the gymnasium when you and your buddies got high and now you're cracking jokes on them. You're back in Columbus, Ohio right now.

Aren'T wait, what's going on here?

You're barbecued.

I am barbecued.

I know you are, because I am. And I'm listening to you talk and I'm like, this kid's too high. I got to help him out here. I got to pull him out. Pull him out of this conversation.

Yeah, but they do have a vampire fleshlight.

That's unbelievably ridiculous. But I'm more of a werewolf guy, so that's why it's ridiculous. I don't even like vampire.

Really?

I'm tired of vampire movies. The wolf man sucked, okay? I did not like that movie. It was dumb. It just didn't work. And I still bought the fucking Blu ray, okay? How about that? That's how much I am of.

Was there any special features?

Search itunes for werewolf movies, bro. Do you get this? I watch werewolf movies that are terrible. You know why? Because I know there's going to be at least a guy's going to turn into a werewolf and fuck some people up. So you know what I do? I watch the beginning to get their names. Okay, this is Bob. Okay, let me just know what the fuck's going on. Let me fast forward until I see somebody turn into a werewolf. I want to see the fucking, the best, latest technology and the dude turn into a werewolf and just fucking people up. I just think those are the craziest movies. The idea that a human werewolf in London got me hooked.

Yeah, that was it.

I saw that shit in 1981 and I was a werewolf fan. I was done.

But do they still do all the shit like Lon Chaney? Remember, like the sun was.

That's the problem with this Wolf man movie. They went with a mask. It's Benicio del Toro in a mask and he's like. And his lower jaw sticks, but they.

Don'T show the transformation of coming out of their arms and the fucking thing.

Yeah, no, they do. I mean, there's a lot of cool CGI in the transformation, but the final product, it just doesn't look right because it's like he tried to use the old wolf man from like the 1940s or whatever the fuck it was. Was it Claude Reigns? I think it was. He tried to use that version of the Wolf man and just make a more modern, updated. But after you go to american werewolf in London, you can't go backwards. You can't because american werewolf in London, that fucking thing was evil, man. It was like a dog person demon thing was on a four legs.

Is that on Blu ray?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, it's on Blu ray. I got that shit. And like, when they're running from it and you just see it, they did that movie so well, you don't really get to see it that much because the technology was not that good. The only one time you get to actually see the werewolf, he's going through the streets of London snapping people's heads off. Remember when he was running through the streets and everybody's freaking out in car accidents and shit. That's the only time you get to see it moving around every other time in the movie. It's like you barely see it, but you see enough that it's fucking terrifying. And the transformation scene just off the chain. That's the kind of shit that we had in 1981. Okay, now what do they have? They have vampires that don't bite people and werewolves that just growl at everybody and can change back and forth when they want. What the fuck have we come to? The fuck have we come to?

I can't even. I've never watched the Twilights, but I've seen what those two little fucking half of fruitcakes look like. I can't believe they're vampires. In my day, vampires were bad. Motherfucker. Barnabas Collins, that's a vampire. Wow.

You just went deep, deep.

And you know, when you were a vampire, you fuck guys, you fuck chicks, it don't matter.

You're a vampire.

You ain't gay. You just sling dick. You fucking dogs. It don't matter. You're a fucking animal. You know what I'm saying?

Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman. Get the fuck.

These vampires are too. I don't know how to say it. They're too Disney.

They're fucking Disney. It's Disney. We've got a whole group of kids now that are growing up with horrible, mediocre entertainment that's designed just for them. As opposed to when we were kids, there was no fucking kids shows. You had Sesame street. You had a couple other different shows that you could watch that were, like kid oriented shows. Then everything else was a fucking adult show, bro.

The only kid show I ever watched is Betty Hill. Like a motherfucker. Anyway, that's a kid show in Jersey.

Show in England.

That was a kid show.

Fucking great.

And every once in a while they show you a titter of that.

Yeah, a great.

You were six. You lost your mind for a week.

He was like the first guy to figure out. That very simple combination. Tits and comedy and silliness.

That dude started the accent way before Jimmy Masada hired that english chick to answer the phone.

English people do make you think that shit is legit.

Why?

They use them for those late night infomercials. It's always an english person describing some product.

Like, God, people pay more attention. They think they're cooler or something.

When you meet a chick that has an accent from over there, I don't know, but it makes her, like, two levels hotter, don't you think?

Well, you know, english dudes say that, too. Dave Bishop says that of american girls.

Oh, really?

That american accent? He said, it's just so hot to him.

I'm your soul mate, Dexter. I'm your soul mate.

There's a chinese chick at the y with an english accent that when you talk to her, you lose your fucking.

Yeah, you might want to take a yoga class with that chick.

Yeah. No, she's very nice.

That's a strong combo right there. That's a double exotic. That's a proper exotic. And another exotic on top of that.

Oh, you got to hear her.

That's a strong one, too. Like, that could fuck a guy's life up. You know what I'm saying? Chick like that breaks up with you and starts fucking some new guy, and you know what kind of pussy she's slinging at him. You know what kind of crazy shit she's doing to know? She's saying, put in my ass. She's saying crazy shit with that english.

Accent to fuck you up even worse. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

You can't eat chinese food and watch fucking Benny Hill no more because you have flashbacks. It's horrible.

You know her favorite shit? She likes to get fucked in the mouth. Come in my mouth.

Was he haw competition?

Was he ha competition?

Yeah.