#1623 - Doug Stanhope

Train by day.

Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Doug, I am fucking nervous.

Why? For real? Yeah, why?

No, it's a good thing I haven't left my fucking house in a year.

You've been totally locked up.

Well, I mean, I go to the grocery store.

How did you avoid getting it? You didn't get it at all, right? The cooties?

No, because everyone I know was a shut in, too, and I fucking loved it. I left a day after my year anniversary. I packed a week before coming here.

So all you've done is go to the food store?

Yep.

Wow.

I went up to Phoenix for New Year's to see. It's a long story to see a dog that I almost kept, but I gave away anyway. So, yes, basically, no, I have not left fucking Bisbee, Arizona, in a year.

Wow.

And I didn't think it affected me until I left. It's like if you stayed in bed for a year going, I don't need to walk. I know how to walk. And then after a year, you're like, fuck, my legs.

What feels the weirdest?

Just figuring out how to pack for the road. I packed everything. I drove, and I left Sunday to be here. Wednesday. It's a 13 hours drive. I could have done it in one shot, but I was so excited. I'm going to leave on Sunday and just take the back roads. And I practiced talking on the phone before I came here, an hour and a half before. I'm just calling people. Like, I don't talk to anyone on the phone. The only time I use the phone is to figure out where to meet you to talk. I don't socialize on the phone. You and I talk maybe twice a year, tops. And when I see it's you, I go, do I have an hour? Okay, I'll make an don't. But otherwise. So I haven't talked to people other than, do you have a room available for three days? Three and a half days. So I was know Bingo and Brian Hennigan going, just talk to me. I packed what I thought was a carload of shit. I forgot vodka, which is my go to drink, and a shirt. I only had the t shirt that I was wearing that after three days started to stink and I went, fuck. I didn't pack another shirt.

Did you go shirt shopping then?

Yeah, I went to the thrift store.

Oh, thrift store.

Yeah, of course. Yes. You notice I'm fucking like, I brought two different suits. Like, goofy suits, right? I'm like, I've been wearing pajamas for a year. I think I would be even more awkward if I was wearing a suit, especially with stupid hair.

When did the goofy suits become a thing with you? Like, what year do you think?

1989. It started in telemarketing because my mother would send me goofy suits like that because they had just gone out of style, like, in that earlier that decade. So it's like buying acid wash jeans now. They're a fucking nickel a pair at the thrift store.

I think Jamie has a few pairs.

Do you have any of those acid wash sweatpants?

Oh, yeah, that's right. Sweatpants. But that's your signature shit now, the goofy suit.

Yeah. And I go, I don't think I'm ready to put on a goofy suit. I don't know if it would clash with the goofy hair because people will show up at my shows in goofy suits, but they'll have, like, plaid on plaid. And you go, no, that doesn't work. I accessorize perfectly in a goofy suit. But I go, I have the goofy hair now. Is that, like, polka dots on plaid? I don't know.

Right? Have you gone too far?

Yeah, I want to be comfortable here. So I'm wearing pajamas like I have for the last year.

Why don't you just wear pajamas?

That's what I'm wearing. Pajama pants.

Are those pajama pants? Yeah. Okay. There you go.

And this was my old travel shirt. I wore this anytime I traveled. Like, yeah, I want to be comfortable. I don't want to fucking.

You've stayed within your means very well. You've never had to worry about finances. You dialed that in early.

Yeah.

You never fell into the trap. A lot of people do. Will they buy a bigger house or buy a bigger car or this or that?

My shit's paid for. After a year of not working, I go, ooh. I always bragged about how much fucking I don't need to work. And then I go, all right, now I'm starting to worry. Should I buy this dumb plastic shit from Amazon or not?

When do you think you're going to start working? Are you going to get the vaccine?

I got my first shot.

Which one, the Pfizer or the modern?

No, Moderna. I got my first shot about two weeks ago. Two weeks ago tomorrow.

Why is it funny?

Because I just realized I still have the fucking band aid when I took a bath state. I'm such a fucking slothful pig when it comes to bathing.

Hilarious.

And it's still there. I didn't wash that hard that it came off even last night.

They're resilient, those bandaids. They'll stick around for a while.

Well, I'm going to get my follow up shot two weeks from now. They'll just bring the same lady and I want her to see the same dirty bandage and make her take it off.

I know that's rude, but I think it's funny. So you're getting the shots in Bisbee. Is it hard to get it or do they have a good supply?

Yeah, well, it just. I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but I probably cut a line.

Yeah, I get it.

But yesterday Cochise county tweeted, okay, now 18 and up. And I go, yeah, that's great, you tweeted that. But maybe nine people in all of Coches county are on Twitter. You got to go door to door to fucking alert these people.

The UFC contacted me. They have a large supply of Johnson Johnson vaccines. That's the one. You only take one shot? It's different on mrna vaccines. A different vaccine? What is it called? An adenovirus. Is that what it's called? Do you know what it's called? Some sort of different shot. But they want to give it to me this weekend.

You haven't had your first yet? No, I don't know your. I hear about you. I think he's an anti masker. Well, maybe he's an antivaxx.

No, I'm neither antimax, anti mask or antivaxx. I'm neither one of those things. But I'm not worried about the virus. Everyone that I know that got it, they were sick for like a day. My whole family got it and I didn't get it. But I'm on so much shit between vitamins and testosterone, and I'm in the fucking sauna every day. Like, what does this say? Unlike the mrna virus from Pfizer Moderna, which deliver fat covered bits of genetic material into your cells, a Johnson Johnson vaccine uses a shallow virus to carry genetic material into your cells. Says Gandhi. Gandhi's the guy, that's the doctor. How weird. Change your. You know, that's like Dr. Hitler. You know what I mean? Like maybe time for a fucking name change.

Well, maybe he's changed his name up like, oh, I was Dr. Hitler. I should change it to something more easily consumable.

He became Gandhi. The shell is an adenovirus which normally causes colds, but it has been modified so it no longer replicate and make you sick.

All right, you don't need to read all that. We'll have people tune out in the third hour.

They're tuned out already. No, I'm not anti. People get mad at me because I said, I don't think I need the vaccine.

Well, here's the thing. You have the longest platform in the shortest attention span society's ever known. So when people put the viral clip of Burb telling you, don't act like we know what the fuck we're talking about.

Right?

That was like 22 seconds of a three hour podcast.

Not only that.

Oh, Rogan's a fucking anti masker.

That was me trying to get Burb riled up.

Yeah, but I'm saying people don't. There's no context anymore, right? Of course it's done.

It is weird because you think people know what you're doing. Like, with Bill, you're always like, come on. You're going to listen to them. You're always going to say that to him, like. And then you fucking crank him up and let him know. So I'm like, you really think these fucking masks know? They say masks are all bullshit, and then next thing you know, Bill's that fucking irish face gets red and he's on a rant. Obviously, masks do something. You're breathing through a filter. The question is, like, how much does it filter? I don't know. I mean, some people say it does nothing because the air is getting in and the particles are smaller than the air. And some people say it blocks a lot of what's coming out. Like, a certain percentage of it. But here's the thing. Look at how few people got the Flu this year.

That's my hypocrisy. First of all, Covid, for me, for a year has been the best excuse I've ever had. This is one of the best years of my life was 2020, just to let. Plus one was, yeah, to have an excuse to not socialize, to not work. Because I'm legendary for every three years going, fuck this. I'm done with comedy.

Yeah, you're never doing it for, like, six months.

And I know that I'm lying.

Right.

But mentally this time, I had an excuse to not work. I had an excuse why you couldn't come over