#1420 - Mark Normand

Hey. Hey.

Did your thing come unplugged?

No, no, I'm all good. It just isn't as long as I hoped, is it? Which I've heard before, but, yeah, no, we're good.

We're gonna get new things with a box and, like, a little. Yeah, we're gonna make it like a real radio show.

Finally. This thing's been slacking.

Yeah, I know. That's what I've been saying, man. Just this little box right here that controls the volumes is just too complicated. Nobody can figure out where the dial is for their thing.

It's prehistoric, too. That looks aged.

Does it?

Yeah, it's a little weathered, probably from all the weed smoke.

Patina. That's what they call it.

Patina.

Patina.

Is that your maid?

No, patina is like the surface of an old car when it has kind of like. Or maybe a knife that's been kind of, like, slightly rusted.

A little wear and tear.

Yes, people enjoy a patina.

Yes.

Like a fine wearing of a nice object.

Like a MiLF is a patina.

A little bit. Milks have a little bit of patina.

I like a MIlF. I like a crow's foot and old labia. You name it.

Yeah. Girl likes to do shots.

Yeah. Like a Tampa whore.

Tampa.

Yeah, I was just there.

Yeah. Did you do the improv with the three floors?

No. That room stinks. I did the side splitters.

Oh, that's supposed to be a really good room.

Great room. Mom and pop been there forever. Richard. Jenny's photos on the wall and all that shit.

Old school. God, that guy, he's one of my all time favorites. That Tampa improv, does it still have the three floors? Yeah, the third floor is like, ten seats.

Yeah, Ebore City. Everybody's hammered. It's like Bourbon street down there. It's not great for comedy.

Last time I was there, which is quite a while ago, I got introduced by someone who wanted to. I want to introduce you to the local swinger. Oh, the people that are really into swinging in Tampa are not people anybody wants to have sex with. They find each other, and they all just. No one gives a shit. You fuck her, I'll fuck her. I'll fuck him, you fuck me.

Did you look at them? Like a lineup kind of thing.

There was, like, 20 of them that.

Came to the show, not one fuckable weirdo.

I mean, listen, things can get ugly when you get hammered. Of course, they weren't in the best of shape. They didn't seem like they were concerned about with the way they looked. They just got together and just fucked everybody. Everybody fucked everybody.

See, that might be the ruse. I think they know they're ugly. They want to get laid. It's a perfect crime.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it's a smart move. You get into a fuck club.

Yeah, it's happened to me a couple of times with somebody's interest. One time, Nashville, this one guy was driving us around all weekend. And then Sunday, the day he was taking us to the airport, he's like, well, he goes, it was really nice to meet you guys. Next time you guys are here, love to take you to a swingers club. I think. I was with Hinchcliffe and we were both like, what?

Yeah.

And he's just. That's one of the things that I do. I'm in sort of an open relationship with my woman. So then we started questioning always, do you get a chance to see the guy she's going to bang? He goes, yeah. And I also have veto power.

Oh, wow. But of course they want to bring you in because he's the hero. If he brings in the celeb and then you get to bang the wife, they probably got headshots on the wall of all the other guys who fucked her.

He was not telling me to fucking. He's like saying, if you want to come watch, come hang out.

I think that would be worth it. I would get some popcorn and go nuts.

Popcorn? A fucking operating mask?

Yeah, exactly. Like a coronavirus. Asian. Yeah.

Some fucking rubber gloves you used to wash dishes with. Like, what am I doing here? What am I touching?

Yeah, maybe a laser pointer just to fuck with them.

Yeah, they had. Well, they used to have those. I've never been to an actual sex club in LA, but a budy of mine has been to one. And he said, you go into this room and all these weird red lights, red light bulbs and everybody's banging everybody.

And you're like, yeah, well, do you ever watch those dancing bear videos?

No.

Oh, man, pull it up. He's going to get wood. I can't pull it up. It's called CFNM. Clothed female, naked male. And it's so hot because it's the woman in charge. And it's a bunch of dude strippers who come in with bear hats on, like, bear masks, and they're in a speedo and they just start dancing. Eventually they're getting blown. They're fucking the chicken from accounting and banging Deborah from sales. And it's like kind of mediocre looking women getting railed by these studs.

It's great because they like it and they keep the masks on. Oh, yeah, why the guys keep the masks on?

Well, it's just because it's anonymous. It's hotter. It's just a fuck object.

Oh, right. So the woman can flip the switch and detach and just enjoy the physical pleasure of it.

And it's like a bachelorete party or an office party or something. And it's killer. It's always in an office setting or something.

She doesn't have to look in the eye of the man and feel shame and weirdness.

Yeah. And when the women are turned on, it's so much hotter because all we see all day is like, dudes, like, come on, let me fuck you. But when the woman's taking charge, it's better. You feel better about what you're watching?

Yeah. They get jaded, though. I used to know some guys from martial arts that used to do male stripping. And they get real jaded. Yeah, they get real weirded out by it after a while.

That makes sense.

Women screaming at you. A lot of ladies looking to cheat.

On their man, right? Maybe the first day it's fun, but.

After a while you're like, and then.

This is somebody's aunt.

The other thing comes is that guys want to hire them. Guys want to hire them to strip, and then they have to make these decisions. Like, okay, how much I let them touch my butt. That's it.

It's funny when gay guys around, a guy turns into, like, the woman, he's like, hey, respect me.

Yeah.

The roles are reversed.

Well, it's all guys, guys being a problem.

It's always guys.

It's always guys being a problem.

You should see my dms, man. It's just ball sacks and really jerking. And gay dudes like hot dudes. Sometimes we're just like, hey, the things. I would drain your asshole.

And this and that.

Oh, yeah. I find it flattering.

Why do you think they're going after you?

I think I got a Twinkie otter vibe. You know, Otter, that's one of those gay terms they got. Otter, bear.

I knew about bear.

Yeah, there's a bunch, j mo. You know them all. There's a whole zoo.

What's an otter?

Otter's like a thin, medium sized guy.

Oh, you're a medium sized guy.

Like, the little guy would be like a twink. I don't know what Brad Williams would be. He'd be like a Hershey's kiss or something.

Koala bear.

There you go. Yeah, he does have.

Bears, have chlamydia?

All of them. Yeah. True story. Google.

Imagine if that's where chlamydia came from. Somebody had a fuck a koala bear.

Well, apparently we got AIdS from a monkey, so maybe koala gave us chlamyd.

Do you know where that actually comes from? It's not from someone fucking a monkey. There's a bite. No. Someone who hunted a monkey.

Hand job.

No. Cut the monkey and cut his hand and got monkey blood in his hand while he was, like, butchering a monkey.

Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah, because who's fucking a monkey?

Dave Chappelle had a bit about it.

I remember that.

100% infection rate. 100% wild fucking. That is insane. Wild koalas have 100% infection rate of chlamydia. For two decades, scientists have brought wild koalas into wildlife hospitals to treat their chlamydia.

Can't we give them. I've had chlamydia six times in my life. Can we give them a penicillin shot?

Well, they'd have to go grab all of them. Well, you know, they're really in deep, deep trouble because of the wildfires in Australia. They said that something like 80% of their habitat has been destroyed. The fires over there. Insane. I did benefit Sunday night with Monty Hoffman, or Monty Franklin, rather, Whitney Cummings and Jim Jeffries.

Oh, wow.

Did a benefit for the wildlife fires.

Jeffries must be getting his door knocked down with that shit.

Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. Well, Monty Franklin's Australian as well, so it was a double australian, double american card.

Oh, boy.

Wild. Yeah, it was a fun show, but when you see the devastation, it's crazy. 70% of Australia is covered in smoke.

Whoa.

70%? And it's as big as the United States.

That's a bummer.

Yeah, it's crazy. And they basically have no way of stopping it. I mean, unless the rains put it out or it burns all the way to the coast.

Yeah, it's a stupid question, but what is the money going to do? I know it helps people who are for wildlife.

The money is all for wildlife. A lot of them have been burned. Like, they had a little bit of a presentation. Some of them they've rescued, and they have to put them back into suitable habitat. And the money is going to wild. I mean, you're not going to fix the fucking. The devastation by the fire in terms of the plants and the houses and stuff like that. You can only hope those people who, their homes burnt down had some sort of insurance. But how much fucking insurance money is there? So many houses got wrecked. What is the number now? Like, how many houses have been burnt to the ground in Australia currently?

Yeah. Because all you hear about is the animals.

Yeah. Well, it's a billion animals. That's why. A billion animals are.

So. This will be in history books.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Dude, just think about a fucking billion animals are dead from a fire. I mean, that's insane.

Yeah. That's going to change the ecosystem.

Oh, for sure, though. The ecosystem over there is weird anyway.

Oh, they got spiders that kill birds.

Yeah. A bunch of shit that's not supposed to be there, too.

Oh, really? Yeah.

It's like, so many of their animals are invasive species.

What about the Aborigines? Because they live in huts and shit, right?

Yeah,