#1140 - Joey Diaz

54321.

The first man to smoke marijuana. Never really smoked it. He inhaled it. He was a chinese man. He was a very great man. And whenever he lit the plant, it wasn't to get high, but he would start to get high. And every time he got high, a blue bird would come to him and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods. And he listened to the bird, and that's exactly what he did. And he became a great emperor in China. At that point in the story, Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, have you ever been to Disneyland? And the doctor goes, no, Pablo, I haven't. He goes, very clean, very organized. That's it. But it's the truth. First guy I never got high was a chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant. It gave him a soothing. But after days of doing it, it packed up in his body and he started hallucinating. He saw a bluebird. A bluebird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within the region.

What a crazy bird. He got high, and a bird started talking to him.

What are you going to do?

I don't know if this is true, but this is one of the things that the pot aficionados always used to say is that, you know, when a priest walks down the aisle and they have that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it? That used to be weed. That's what they used to do.

In what dimension?

I don't know.

At one point, I believe it was weed. Then it became that shit that Batman shot at the Green Hornet. It was like, pedophile smoke. You wake up, your shirts bomb backwards and shit. Your pants are missing.

Well, what is it now? What kind of incense is it now?

It's like this blue smoke. I go in there to church every once in a while. You have to go for the full effect. One like the five in the afternoon on Saturday and the early morning Sunday. They don't break out the incense. They don't start breaking out the fucking malukia, fucking salama, la Malanketo. And the guy comes out, and one guy comes out throwing water.

Jesus.

And then the other guy. It's so weird how somebody made a great point on Twitter the other day. They said, you, me, Mitch, Hedberg. I think there's five of us that delivered newspapers. There's five that delivered newspapers.

Hedberg did it.

Yeah. You delivered them in a car to other places. I was an asshole that took a route, but not the route in my neighborhood, the route in the neighborhood over. So I had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers.

I would deliver them right to the doors.

Oh, you did too? Yeah. And then you collected.

Yeah, I collected from only a handful of people. Most people were on like a monthly subscription plan. They were switching over. But the people that you'd have to collect from, you had like, this envelope, like a tan envelope, and you had to mark off when they owed things. I barely remember it because it was only a couple of the clients. And after a while, I kind of got away from doing them. I said, I don't want to do these people that have, because it's too hard to collect. It's annoying. Like, I don't want to have to go.

That was my specialty.

I didn't like.

I must have been. That was when I first got out of catholic school. And my mom gave me an option that I had to go up there and work in the afternoons. And I'm like, I got to figure something out. I just don't want to go up there anymore. And my friend said, I'm giving up my newspaper out. But he didn't give up the one in my neighborhood. He gave up the one in the next city over. In the next town over that city. I could still walk every day. So I'd have to leave school and run over there, because I'm not the dude would steal my papers and sell them as their own on the fucking street corners. So I'd have to get them, put the circulars in, put them in a thing, and then throw them on people's balcony. And then on Fridays and Saturdays, I'd have to go back with a ring after dinner and collect. How you doing, Mr. Rogan? I'm here to pick up. They give you like a dollar 50. That was your tip, right? And you got like twenty two cents a week for delivering the paper.

Did you collect from everybody?

I collected from everybody. I was disofficient.

What years were these?

This has to be 73, 74, 75. Yeah.

So I guess when I started doing it is when I started driving, which had been like 83. I probably started 83. I probably started when I was 17. No, that was 85. 80 then. That's when I probably started doing it.

Yeah. You're too old to be collecting. I wouldn't pay either.

Well, it wasn't even that. It was just annoying. Like what you wanted to do was go to the depot, pick up the papers, chuck them into the people's driveways, and that's it. And then there was a few people that wanted it inside the door, so you'd have to get out of your car, open up their screen door, put it in there and then leave. And the idea was that everybody would say, those people will tip you better. Those two, they'll tip you better and be like, okay. And so we would only have like a few of those. And I think after the first couple of years they stopped doing those kind of collections, or I definitely stopped doing them. But it was an awesome job. When you were like a young comic, know, even before I was a comic, when I was just, I didn't have to do anything where someone was telling me what to do. I could get in my car, I could listen to whatever I wanted to. I listened to Charles Locadera. He had the morning, the big mattress on. I think it was BCN. I'm pretty sure it was WBCN in Boston. This is awesome radio show. I'd listen to that, chuck newspapers out windows. I do that for like 3 hours every know it was the best job ever because then I would make enough money where I could pay my bills, but I still had all the time in the world to do stand up, all the time in the world to train all the time in the world to do anything. But it definitely fucked me up because you're not supposed to be getting up that early every day. That can't be good for you. If you listen to people that know things about sleep, like getting up at 430 in the morning or five in the morning every day and not being responsible.

That was the beginning to me, that was the beginning of the new Joe Rogan era podcast. That was the first podcast I listened to that I agreed with a lot. But I also had a couple of mitigating factors because I believe that everybody's body is a lot different. I know I could rock and roll, I could throw down on seven straight, but it's got to be seven straight. Get up to pee two times, because once you're 50, it could be up and down. See, once you turn 50, 48, everything changes, papa. So if you see, you're there at night, I'm drinking Kim food, chill with water that has to come out throughout the night, and you will be up all fucking night on the hour, every hour. There's no rem sleep. Yeah, there's no rem sleep. So once you get old, you have to control your thyroid dog. I've been a specialist on sleep since day one. That was one of the most interesting podcasts you had on. I bought the book and everything. And he made some great points in there. I wasn't raised on a nap, Joe Rogan. My mom didn't raise her nap once we came from Cuba. My dad died, there was no nap. I went where she went.

Right?

So my day consisted of eight to three in the morning. She had a manager's room in the back of the bar with a cot. And if I got tired at one, go back there and take a nap. But I got to stay here till three. Mama got to work. Wow. So my sleep was always horrific. Then when I was like five or six in school, then I went to normal sleep. I went to catholic grammar school. Normal sleep, everything was normal. But my mom had a bad thing that she did. My mom had an issue that a lot of parents don't do when they work nights. She did it from the heart because I have a friend who does it. Wake you up at three in the morning. Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan. Get up. I brought you black ink and pasta with Ungeeli from Umberto's. And I brought your newspaper. Are you fucking kidding me? Could you imagine if I woke you up every night or two when you're 26 years old, Joe? At 330 in the morning, and you know I'm doing it from my heart? And seven out of ten times you're going to get up and eat the scunjili or the marinara sandwich I brought you from Leo's because they worked in the city. So remember, if you bartend in New York City on the way home, what are you going to do? You're going to stop. No, you stop and get two slices of fucking the best pizza there is in Manhattan. So my mom would wake me up every night at 330 in the morning with a cuban sandwich that killed me over the years. That would make me get up every night at three. There's still nights that I'll be sleeping. I'll get a good night's sleep, but I'll look at the clock and it's 03:00 a.m. On the fucking dot because it's in my. But like last night, I slept good. I fucked up. My sleep was bad. After I read the book for a while, that's how deep it got into my head. So when I went back to weight watchers, I realized I couldn't eat any more fucking edibles because they would make me hungry at night. I would fucking go off the charts with points. So I stopped eating edibles and Joe Rogan. My sleep pattern changed bad. Like my body did. Not know how to go to fall asleep by itself. I went through a month of fucking 2 hours of sleep. Jesus. Doing a bunch of shit. And then three more hours in the afternoon.

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